Summer 2012 - Trip to Lake Grapevine

We always wait until the end of summer to get the boat out, and then we all wish we'd been going to the lake all summer long.  We went one afternoon late, around 5:30.  We took sandwiches, picnic blankets, drinks, and games. 

Summer 2012 - Back to Coppell

Once we returned to Coppell, we had 2 more weeks before leaving for Venezuela.  Luke's number one priority was to get a coonskin cap and to get Granddad to make him his own Old Betsy.  Luke and Granddad worked together to decide what it should look like, and Granddad got to work.  Luke helped where he could.

Mimi also took Luke to Bass Pro to get a Davy Crockett cap. 



It was so hard to decide which pictures to include!

Summer 2012 - More Houston Pics

 I. Love. These. Boys.

They had so much fun playing together this summer.  

Look at those eyes.

  I am so thankful for this family.  These people mean the world to me.

On our way (or out of our way) home from Houston, we detoured to San Antonio to visit our friends Clay and Jennifer.  We stopped first at the Alamo.  I LOVE Texas history, and Luke is growing to love it, too. 

Summer 2012 - Trip to NASA

I was really looking forward to taking Luke to NASA this summer.  He is so interested in anything science-related, and thanks to his science teacher, he is really interested in space. 

The rest of the family left Montgomery on Monday, and Jason went to Atlanta for a conference, so Luke and I were on our own.  We went to NASA on Tuesday.  It was about 2 hours from our condo, through yucky Houston traffic.  Luke was a really good sport in the car.

Luke recognized this space robot right away from one of his books about robots.

We went on a tram tour to Mission Control and Rocket Park.  Thankfully, I bought the $1 ponchos before the tour began.  When we came out of Mission Control, it was POURING.

We went into the building that houses the Saturn 5 rocket in pouring rain, and the rain did not let up.  We trudged through 5 inches of rain to get back to the tram, and it took several hours to dry out completely.

 After we got back from the tour, we rode in the flight simulator.  I was the pilot and Luke was the gunner, but Luke kept reaching across and taking the stick from me to make us do barrel rolls and go upside down!  I was nearly sick after that, but he laughed and laughed the entire time.

We left NASA around 4:00, drove home, and had pizza for dinner (for the 2nd night in a row!).  It was a great day, and I loved sharing it with Luke.

The next day, we were supposed to go to the pool...but it rained more!  We stayed in and played inside, made crafts, and watched movies.  Luke built a spaceship out of bottles, cans, cereal boxes, and anything he could find and use!  

Summer 2012 - Post 2

We were all excited to get to Coppell on June 21.  It was so good to get home!  The three of us pretty much stayed put at Mom and Dad's as much as we could for the first few weeks.  We celebrated July 4 together and then packed up and went to Montgomery, Texas, for some lake time.  Unfortunately, it started raining our first afternoon there and kept on for the entire week!  We were able to sneak in a little time out on the boat, though. 

Luke took his job of driving the boat very seriously.  

We got rained out on Sunday, just as we were picking up the jet ski we rented.  So, we packed it all in and went back to the condo to watch movies and rest.  The next morning, we got back out on the lake with the boat and the jet ski for about an hour and a half.  Luke loved the jet ski, especially going fast!

 Jackson waving to his mom and dad out on the jet ski:

Summer 2012

This year we went straight to Wisconsin from Caracas. Well, we went to Chicago, rented a car, drove to Wisconsin, bought camping stuff, camped for 3 days, stored the stuff with Jason's brother, drove back to Chicago for a wedding, flew to Minneapolis for the Aerosmith concert, flew back to Chicago the next day, visited Jason's aunt and uncle there, drove back to Wisconsin to visit Aunt Liz and Uncle Bob, and finally, flew to Texas!  Whew.  We loved our trip up north, but we were ready to light in one place and stay there a while!

Once in Texas, we were all three content to just hang at my parents' house for a while.  Luke went to a YMCA basketball camp, Mom and I shopped (a lot! We're redoing her craft room.), Jason took care of business and chilled.  More pictures to follow!

A Few Summer Notes

I don't have too many pictures from TX on this computer -
It was a good, but fast, summer, split into sections by trips to various places.

Jason and I went to the DC area with Mom and Dad so that Jason and Daddy could go to the US Open. Mom and I went to see Wicked at the Kennedy Center while they were at the tournament. During that trip, Luke stayed home with his aunts and uncle.

A few weeks after that, I went to NYC for a writing conference, where I got to see my Caracas teaching friends and also our friends Jill and Sascha.

Andy and me in Times Square:
I saw my first two Broadway shows - and I hope to see many more! I got to see Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and Book of Mormon. I loved them both, though here is what I told my mom about Book of Mormon: "It was wonderful. I hope you never see it." It was so fun, lighthearted, sweet, serious, touching, and over-the-top offensive, all at the same time.



The writing conference plum wore me out, though.

After I got back, we had just a few weeks before leaving again. We tried to cram in all we could! We never get to see as many people as we hope to, though.

Some highlights of the summer:

Luke learned to ride his bike (see previous post)
Luke learned to dive and flip off the diving board
We visited the planetarium in Dallas (Luke loved it!)
Luke read 100 books for the summer reading challenge
(I know I'm missing other stuff - Mom, remind me!)

We got to see cousins, friends, and family as much as possible - here are some of my favorite pictures (that I have access to on this computer!):

Dad and Luke watching Roy Rogers together

Luke and George swimming in the pool

Lots more great pictures from the summer - but maybe on a different memory card, which I will investigate at some point...probably next summer when I update the blog again. ;)

Watch Him Go

I wrote this story last week as a writing assignment at a writing institute I attended in New York. I felt lucky to have such a good story to tell.

“Just give him a little push and watch him go,” Jason instructed. I took hold of Luke’s bicycle seat, ran alongside him as he pedaled furiously, and watched, amazed, as my baby rode off down the street on his bicycle. My jaw dropped. My hands flew to my mouth, and I turned to look at my husband’s face. Tears glistened in his eyes, and I could see at once my own wistful happiness reflected on his face.

I turned back to Luke, who wobbled unsteadily for ten yards before gaining control and riding smoothly toward the cul-de-sac. You’ve heard the expression, “My life flashed before my eyes.” Personally, I have never had that experience and have always wondered if it really happens, or if people who say that are simply being dramatic. But as Luke’s bike helmet gleamed blue in the brightness of the late-afternoon Texas sun, scenes from his little life flashed before me.

I felt him in my arms, remembered trying to wake him from falling asleep while nursing. I saw him toddling home from an evening walk around the block with Jason, carrying the biggest rock he could find to present to me like a treasure. I saw his face change and mature as he blew out the candles on his birthday cakes – two, then three, four, five, and now, six. His face changed, but the light and joy in life has stayed true. He has grown so much, but he remains that precious baby I swaddled and rocked, and sang to sleep.

My eyes brimmed with tears as my heart swelled with joy and pride. Luke started to sail around the curve of the cul-de-sac to come toward us. The smile beaming from his face and the light in his eyes melted my heart.

“I’m so proud of you, my Lukie!” I squealed. Before he completed his curve, Jason began to shout, “Turn! Turn! Turn! Luke, turn wide, but turn hard!” The front wheel of his bike began to wobble, and the bike began to shudder. Worry flashed on his face to supplant the pride that lived there only seconds before. Suddenly, his bike tipped wildly to one side and he stumbled six steps before catching himself on the pavement. I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched my fists, listening for the all-too-familiar wail of pain.

Instead: “I’m fine, Mama. Daddy taught me how to fall.” I opened my eyes to see that face I love more than any other grinning up at me. I hugged his big little body tight to mine and squeezed.

“I’m proud of you, Luke. I can’t believe it! SO VERY PROUD!”

“Me too, Mama. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been in my LIFE!”

This has been a big year for Luke. He has grown so much, lost his first teeth, learned to write stories, gotten his first (and second) stitches. I am proud of him every day and know I am so fortunate he calls me “Mama.”

This latest achievement symbolizes, for me, something bigger than any of his others. The training wheels are off – he can go, almost, under his own steam. Sure, he needs a little push. He will wobble before he straightens out and settles into a smooth ride. There will be curves and bumps. Our job is to teach him how to fall, but more importantly, to get back up again. And, in the end, all we can really do is give him a little push and watch him go.

Shutterfly's Christmas Card Offer

Just when I'd pretty much decided against sending a Christmas card this year, I saw a friend's facebook post about Shutterfly's offer for free Christmas cards for bloggers.

I think I might have used Shutterfly one time back when Luke was first born, but it's not been my usual online photo printing service. However, after looking through lots of their products, I plan to give them a try.

I love the options for the different kinds of photo cards. There are different sizes, color schemes, editing options, choices for flat or folded, photo paper or stationery, some with room for a holiday letter, and one with a timeline inside! Over 805 choices. How to choose?

I think the photo books have nice options, too. As a scrapbooker, I really like the 12x12 size they offer. I've considered switching to digital albums for Luke's books, and the option of having the consistency of the 12x12 album (which is what his traditional albums are) really appeals to me. You can create your own custom photo book, or take the simpler route and let them auto-fill it for you.

You can make calendars on Shutterfly, too. I may need one of the desk calendars for work!

I will let you know how the Christmas cards turn out. I love free stuff, especially when it's useful, good quality free stuff! Thanks, Shutterfly!

I'll post the Christmas cards once I make them.

Yesterday was a much-anticipated day in my house. We have been waiting for it to get here, patiently, for two weeks. Not because it was Thanksgiving, but because it was the day I was supposed to go for my pregnancy test following a cycle of in vitro fertilization.

It has been six and a half years since I went through this process to have Luke, four and a half since we did it again and lost a baby. Since then I have shelved the emotions that go with wanting a baby and not being able to have one. I have put away the questions that plagued me in the years prior to having Luke. I have not forgotten how it felt, and I recognize every single day how blessed we are to have Luke. Because of our precious son, because of how happy we are to have him, and because our little family of three has so much fun together, I have been able to enjoy life and put aside the desire to expand our family.

Then my nephew Jackson was born. Two summers ago, Luke wasn't so jazzed about having Jackson around. He complained that Jackson cried too much, and he decided he didn't really like babies "because they don't know anything about pirates." (Pirate obsession was in full force at that time.) This summer that changed, though. Luke adored having Jackson around, got in his face to try to make him laugh, read books to him as patiently as he could, and wanted to be around him every chance he got. When we came back to Caracas, Jackson was all Luke could talk about. He is obsessed with being older than Jackson, and talks frequently about how he will always be four years older than his cousin. He even tries to figure out what grade Jackson will be in for each grade Luke will be in. Several months ago, Luke put two and two together and decided that if he had so much fun taking care of Jackson, that maybe he would like to have a brother or sister of his own.

Jason and I had already decided that we would start the IVF process again this year. When I started having doctor's appointments sometimes twice a week, we let Luke in on the little secret that we were going to try to give him a brother or sister. He has been very sweet through the whole process, praying for a brother or sister, asking frequently if he's getting one. I wish it were as easy as putting it on his Christmas list! That's what he asks for more than anything.

We found a doctor in Venezuela to work with. A few friends have used him before and spoke well of him. Going to the doctor here is much different than in Texas, though. My wonderful doctor in Texas was so organized, so open with information and the "plan" for the IVF cycle. Here, I have had to ask every question, to do my own second-guessing, and even to text the doctor before we leave for his office to make sure he remembers the appointments! I have all my records from prior cycles, though, and as I've been checking this cycle against those records, I am reassured that he is using the same drugs, the same protocols, the same schedule as my doctor at home. The style and organization is just totally different, and, for me, frustrating.

The in vitro process in itself is fascinating, humiliating, emotionally and physically taxing, and not romantic in the least. There is no guaranteed outcome. Through this process, I have:

- gone off of Prozac and felt like a crazy person given the combination of the lack of seratonin in my body and the addition of multiple other hormones that make me feel bizarre
- had five "invasive" sonograms administered by a male doctor
- given myself 40 different shots
- taken progesterone in a way that no one would choose... 42 times
- had my blood drawn about 10 times
- undergone general anaesthesia for the egg retrieval
- drunk lots of water in order to have the abdominal ultrasound for embryo transfer, and had to wait an hour for the doctor (who was late) to arrive. I got to pee three different times for five seconds each in order to relieve some of the discomfort. It didn't help much.
- done much of this process through broken Spanish, gestures and tears.
- visited labs to do bloodwork (they don't do it at the dr. office here), only to be at the mercy of kind strangers who offer to translate when they realize that I am at a standstill with the girls behind the counter who refuse to speak more slowly for me.
- had to share each step of this process with people at work with whom I would prefer NOT to share such personal information

A big question I have each time we do IVF is to tell or not to tell. I have huge issues with failure. I have spent most of my life being able to accomplish most things I set my mind to do (obvious exception being not being able to turn a cartwheel after years of trying to be Nadia Comaneci), and even though I know I should not feel this way, the inability to conceive a baby naturally makes me feel like a huge failure and disappointment. Sharing the fact that we are trying with others opens me up and makes me vulnerable, and every time things don't work out the way I want them to, I feel that I've let people down. Still, when I have to miss 3 days of work in one week despite being physically healthy, I feel like I need to explain those absences. So people find out. Some of them find out from me, some from Jason, and some through the gossip factory. It is nice to have the support of people I work with, but just the same, difficult to share the failure.

I usually tell family and close friends when we begin this process. I figure it is better to have them know what we're going through and praying with us. I have given updates with each major milestone (the retrieval, the transfer, and now the test results).

Throughout the entire process up to the embryo transfer, I was able to remain emotionally separate from what was happening to me. I administered the shots, went for the sonograms, did the blood tests, all without much worry or concern. I focused on other things, enjoyed Luke and Jason, and allowed the stress of IVF to go on the back burner. After the transfer, it was another story. As soon as those "beautiful" (that's the word the embryologist used to describe our babies) embryos were transferred, the obsession returned. All I thought about for the last two weeks was those babies. Whether I was doing the right things, resting enough, being careful with what I ate, etc. I could tell I was pregnant. The early signs that I experienced with Luke were there. The tiredness hit just as it had with him, and I could not keep my eyes open past 8:30 at night. I could hear my heartbeat in my ear when I lay down on the couch.

Then, three days ago, I started to bleed. Too much to be implantation bleeding, too much to feel comfortably still pregnant. Yet people told me not to lose hope, despite what I felt. Yesterday I went to the lab, where they asked me the date of my last period. What do you say to that when the real story is that you've done IVF, were hopefully pregnant, and then started bleeding? When is the date of your last period then? This was a humiliating moment for me. I couldn't explain in Spanish. A complete stranger helped translate, and I cried as I told her what had happened.

The lady who drew my blood was sweet. She asked the same questions again, and again I cried as I explained in my broken Spanish. She drew the blood and then drew a smiley face on the bandaid she put on my arm.

Yesterday I had to wait for the results all day. At 6:00 PM they finally came. Negative. But with a HCG level that indicated I had been pregnant.

Devastation. Anger. Sadness. Tears. Disappointment. Not thankful at all on Thanksgiving. The questions are back: Why me? Why NOT me? This isn't fair!

I had hoped for two weeks, since I found out the date of the pregnancy test, that I would have good news to share on Thanksgiving. Instead I was disappointed, and I had to disappoint all those I love by sharing that news with them. It is a horrible, horrible feeling. A lonely feeling. No matter what Jason says or does, it is still a lonely process. He has been wonderful, has gone to almost every doctor's appointment with me, has been understanding and caring. I know he is disappointed, too, but it is not his body that continues to fail.

So last night while others were celebrating together, I was at home crying. I could not find anything to be grateful for yesterday. Intellectually, I know how blessed I am. I never forget how fortunate I am to have the family and friends I have, the husband I wed, and the precious, funny, energetic, polite, intelligent son I adore. But it was a hard night.

This morning is better. I have been able to look ahead to January, when we will say hello to the frozen embryos we are fortunate to have and hope that one of them will grow into a baby brother or sister for sweet Luke. I am able to realize how thankful I am for my family, for my friends around the world who have sent me messages of comfort and hope, and for those who live here in Caracas who have helped me through the last three days. I am grateful for my school and my friends here who serve as my family away from home. I am thankful that I have the means to travel home to see my family at Christmas and in the summer, and thankful that I have a wonderful family to come home to. I am thankful for my God, who despite not answering this prayer the way I wanted Him to, still supplies all my needs. I want for nothing I need.

In the meantime, I'm going to have a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, exercise vigorously, and eat all the lunch meat and hot dogs I want.