God's Stories

I am writing this blog entry without knowing really where it's headed.

The last week, though filled with the joy of Luke's birthday and the excitement of returning from a great family vacation, has been really filled with life. Joy, laughter, and celebration have mingled with boredom, disappointment, and anguish.

We'll start with what's least important, and that's me. Despite my efforts to be satisfied and happy here in Egypt, I have hit an all-time low since we got back from Texas in January. I love our house and living near our friends, but there are other things about our area that really bother me. I get harassed more--whistled at, hissed at, kissed at--and today a school child threw a ball at Luke and me (on purpose), hitting me, while we were walking into our gate. He followed that up with some extremely foul language in English. I followed that up by going to get the policeman who watches over our street. Though these situations are not dangerous, they certainly interrupt the happiness and ease of my daily life. Next year this won't be an issue since I will be working and thus won't be out alone much, or out just with Luke much. Nevertheless, these things happen almost daily and that wears on me. On top of this, I've been in a homesick funk. I miss my family so much I ache. It is like there is a hole in my heart that is shaped like Mom, Daddy, Kari, Scott, and Jenny--and only when our whole family is together do I feel complete. I have not returned to Bible study since Christmas, either, since my leader has been out of the country and most of the ladies have joined other studies, which means that I've lost my little group of Christian friends. I hadn't realized how much I'd already come to depend on them in the short time we have been here. In short, I've been depressed. Still taking my medicine--and despite that, depressed.

So Friday, when we went to church, I knew I needed to hear from the Lord. I prayed while I was getting ready to go, telling Him that I am not happy, that I need help, that I know it was His plan to bring us here....now help me out of this funk!

A little side story... My friend Jenni has a blog, and she writes these beautiful things on the blog. She and her husband have journeyed through some tough things, and Jenni writes very candidly about what the Lord is doing in her life. Recently she posted a story about their journey to parenthood, calling it "God's story."

That apparently stuck with me, and that is what the Lord used to call me back to Him during the church service on Friday. I was struck by my own selfishness and self-centeredness (why is it that I consistently--constantly--find myself asking for forgiveness for these things?), realizing that I am making our time here in Egypt MY STORY. In writing this blog, simply telling where we've been and what we're doing, I make it my story. In whining, complaining, wallowing in my frustration and sadness, I make it my story.

My life is not MY story. As a baby, my parents dedicated me to the Lord. As a seven or eight-year-old girl, I made the choice for myself, and gave my own heart and life to the Lord. In doing so, my life ceased to be about me, and became about God, and what He can do in and through me. I keep getting in the way...getting the story off track...adding in my own run-on sentences and anecdotes that don't really matter to the real plot. God reminded me Friday morning that this story is definitely not about me.

So...still I wonder what it will be about? Lord, what will you do with me while I am in Egypt? Why am I here? Yes, I know the reasons being here is beneficial to us financially. I know we have a good time traveling and are able to do so relatively cheaply. But this is not why You led us here.

I have always been someone who needs to know why. I want to know why things work the way they do--cannot just accept that things just "are". I am curious. I like to have a plan and know the outcome beforehand. That is why infertility was such a struggle for me. I wanted to know for certain that I would be a mother--that I'd see the end of that battle. I kept telling God that if I could just know for sure, I would feel better about waiting. That reassurance never came. When I accepted that I might NOT ever be a mother, that that might NOT be God's plan for me, and that He would love me just the same, that Jason would love me just the same, and that my family would love me just the same, I felt a peace about the process. It did not make me want to be a mother any less. It did not make my arms ache for a child any less. But I was able to see clearly the Father's love for me, to hear His voice, and to know the time was right. Every step of the way through our IVF process, God guided me, and I believe He guided the hands of every person who dealt with us during that time.

That is one of God's stories in my life. One with a beautiful outcome. As we joyfully celebrated Luke's third birthday this week, I remembered what it was like to hold him as a newborn, how we celebrated his first birthday party, and then his second. We watched all the videos we have of him on our computer and remarked how much he has changed in just the last year. We were talking yesterday about the way people here can't resist Luke. They constantly touch his head and want to give him kisses. It has finally started to bother Luke. Jason commented last night, "I think God put a special light inside Luke that people are just naturally drawn to. They can't stay away from it." I know that's true. His first two names, "Luke Matthew", mean "Gift of light from God". I think he's perfectly named.

So I said this week has been full of all aspects of life. I've told you about the frustration and the joy. This week has also been full of anguish. Two of my dearest friends lost one of their children this week, at only four months old. What prepares you for this? How do you get through something like that? Powerless to help, I find myself wondering what I can do from here? The only answer I can find is to pray--pray for them, their families, their daughter, that they will lean on the Lord and on each other, for each day that is ahead of them.

Something my friend Linda wrote in her book, Keep Walking, has stuck with me (and I am paraphrasing for now...I've passed along my copy and will have to get Linda to send me a better quote). She talks about how Psalm 23 says, "yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" not "yea, though I wallow in the valley" or "get stuck in the valley". There are times when the valley is so deep and the mountains in our way too high but God tells us to keep walking...keep moving along in the journey with Him. Pray with me that my friends will find the faith to keep walking. That others will step in and carry them through when they can't find the strength on their own. I pray that somehow this too will become one of God's stories. Will you join me in prayer?

That's our purpose in life, isn't it? To allow our stories, the good ones, the desperate ones, the painful ones, the exciting ones, to belong to Him. I mentioned Linda's book. What a fantastic example of one of God's stories. She wrote it after her son's battle with cancer, and it is a moving testimony to God's power and faithfulness. Linda's an amazing author and teacher, and her book is an easy, compelling, challenging read. I'll link to her site up in the links section.

What will God write for your life? Keep me posted on his stories in your lives, and I'll do the same.